I planned to write this for a long time. I would always open this up and end up deleting everything I wrote and closing the tab. I was worried. I wasn't sure why I was doing this. If there was a reason for writing this. Maybe there isn't. Maybe I'm doing it for myself. Maybe all I really want to do is to apologize for not being around. And maybe it's all together. I don't know. But that's not the point now. Sorry if this ends up being a complete mess of my thoughts, but I've been having hard times expressing myself for a long time.
It's not easy to write this down. There are people here I know in real life who might read this and they know nothing. There is a reason why they don't know and I'm not sure how confident I am to let them know this. But it doesn't matter now. I'm finally writing this and so I will finish it. I haven't been around for a long time. I haven't been constantly posting for a year or two, my last addition were 2 photos over the summer. Not very exciting. The reason is, I haven't had time. Of course, that's always a primary reason, isn't it. But I could have gone out more over the summer. I had almost 4 months of free time and I did nothing with it. So it's not only time issue. My mental state has been going down for last couple years. I wish I could say I'm okay, but I'm really not. It's not easy to admit to be ill, especially mentally ill, because people don't understand. It makes me feel extremely vulnerable. Weak. And I hate when people pity me. The worst moment of realization is when you read back your diary and you read through the posts of how you felt you hit the bottom. And you could laugh at it now, because you've never been this bad. I've never been this bad. I used to have this idea of photo collection, and some of you might know about it, because I talked to you. I've never got to actually do it. Why? I stopped believing in it. I stopped believing in why I wanted to do it. I'm not going to share the idea, because I don't want to drag that much attention to my state, but if you know, I'm sorry.
I used to be much more passionate about things. I used to write stories. I used to take photos. I used to lose myself in books and science and traveling. I used to enjoy things. And it's gone. I have no motivation. I have no dreams. Suddenly I've become an empty shell, surviving everyday. But not living. Somewhere inside of me I wished it would change with university. That I would get a new start. That I would start taking care of myself more. That my hobbies would come back to me. That I would manage to have a job, because university is supposed to give me more free time. Yes, you guessed it right, none of it happened. If anything, university just makes me doubt myself more. I was 18 years old when I had to choose what I want to do for the rest of my life. And I don't know. I am 20 in 6 months and I have no clue what I want to do. I don't even know who I am and I'm supposed to be looking in the future deciding my whole life. I've always thought I wanted to be scientist. Now, I don't even know. I've lost everything. I am so lost in this world. I feel like everything I do is worth nothing. Like I'm never good enough. Never strong enough. Never hard-working enough. I burnt down myself. My memory is pretty much dead. My will to do anything meaningful is dead. I became such a shallow person and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want this to sound like I am a weak little girl not knowing how to stand on my own feet, but maybe it's true. And I'm not asking for pity, I just wanted to let you know what's been going on. And maybe I needed to get this off of my body. Anyway... university. It's been hard to get in due to my anxiety. Meeting new people, going to a new place, it was terrifying. I pretty much cried throughout the first week. I was hoping that would be enough to get used to it. But it's not. I used to be one of the best students in high school. Hell, I was the best of my class. And suddenly, I'm below average. The only thing I've even been good at. School. And now I have nothing. I am noone. And high school destroyed me so much it's so difficult to get back into studying. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. But seeing people around me being able to handle it just fine brings me down. Saying they are feeling the same as I do won't help. Because they are not. I talk to some of them. They are okay. I admit I am stressed out. Some of them aren't even studying yet. Some of them just don't care. Some of them study and are fine. Some of them do more research and read through books. And I'm just unable to do that. It's like if I were claustrophobic and put inside of a small box. I'm suffocating. My fear is cosuming me. My illness is consuming me. And I can no longer fight it.
I'm sorry if I wrote more than I should have, because I probably did. I will presumably think about this all day, about how people will react to this if anyone reads it, how they will reply, and what if people I know read it. I've just been dealing with this for so long and I didn't want to leave my dA without any activity. Without people knowing what's been going on. I don't know if I will be okay. I wish I could say yes for sure, but I don't know. Noone knows. I will try to keep fighting and surviving and maybe one day, I will also live.
Thank you to anyone who reads this and/or shows support, it's highly appreciated. Thank you to anyone who's been around my dA for such a long time, or fav'd one or more of my photos or even wrote a nice comment below. You have no idea how much I appreciated every single one of you. It's been a nice ride.
Listening to: Lana Del Ray - Ride